A dear friend of mine gave me a book on codependency almost a year ago. Today, for the very first time, I opened it and actually took in what being codependent actually means.
Prior to this, I had always dismissed the notion of my being codependent. It was just another self-help, feelingsorryformyself, denial thing, you see.
Then I started reading chapter one. And it was like looking at myself, my personality, my soul, through the clearest microscope possible. It was more than a mirror like image. I finally saw and understood what my reactions to every thing, every person, every day have been. And why they have been so.
The scary part is that this is who I have been for most of my life, without even realising it. And, God knows how many people and relationships I have hurt through this way of trying to protect myself.
At the end of the second chapter, I was asked who (in the case examples given by the author), I managed to identify with?
The answer to that is: all of them. And at the same time, there were certain things about those people that I didn't identify with. But I guess that's because we are all different, unique individuals and no two of us are exactly alike.
The case examples also brought several of my personal relationships to mind, although I won't go into much detail here. Suffice to say that I have realised that I have been trying to control my existence, through trying to control everyone and everything else. Mostly through passive-aggressiveness, to a huge extent and refusing to deal either with my emotions or anyone elses.
So if you are reading this, and you have been affected in any way by my behaviour during the course of our lives together, please know that up until now, I had no idea what my actions were capable of causing. And I apologise if you have been one of those who have been hurt by this.
If I was asked to define codependancy, I would describe it as follows:
It is a habitual way of thinking, which directly affects our emotions and behaviour and causes harm not only to ourselves, but harm to those we profess to love. Codependent behaviours or habits are by definition, self-destructive, which we repeat without thinking. These behaviours and habits prevent us from finding peace and happiness with the most important person in our lives - ourselves. (Taken from the book mentioned previously: "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, in case you think I've transformed into some kind of literary genius).
The reason I am writing this, is to commit myself to becoming the best person that I can possibly be, in the way that I was made to be. And so it feels necessary to me, to make this a formal, written declaration. (Maybe this is something like what the Americans felt like when drafting their Declaration of Independence?)
All of this boils down to one thing: I have been afraid, no, TERRIFIED, of life itself, for various reasons, which I won't go into here.
But happily, I think I am now starting to learn that there is no need to panic. I am okay. I am loved. And I am (at the risk of sounding like a belaboured Loreal advert) - WORTH IT.
I believe that people can, and do, change, on a daily basis (we just don't pay enough attention to it). When I think about it, If everything else in the universe is continually changing (our skin cells change several thousand times, according to the experts, and I see change everywhere else I look in my life as well, particularly in nature) - WHY SHOULD OUR SOULS BE ANY DIFFERENT?.
I believe that life is a classroom and we are here to learn. And this is sure to be one of my biggest lessons yet.
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